Excerpt from Chapter One / "A Merciful Awakening"

I thought for today I would post a longer excerpt from my Memoir, which is from the beginning of chapter 1 - "A Merciful Awakening." You can see a little bit into how my life was centered around me before I met Jesus.

I hope you are enjoying the Holiday Season with friends and relatives. I'm taking the next few days off and will be back posting next week. God bless, and Love you!




Chapter 1- A Merciful Awakening


Reflecting on my past, I was figuratively living in the Ancient City of Babylon. I certainly had the Babylonian mentality, which is a mentality saying, “I am the only one, and nothing else matters” - “I am the most exciting thing there is”. Once I explain the kind of person I used to be, I think you’ll be able to understand. So here goes…

I was a self absorbed, overconfident, super snob. Image was everything. I was definitely a high maintenance kind of girl, and looking “put together” at all times consumed me. I was a beautiful, healthy, and vibrant girl – and certainly knew it. Self-sufficiency, gaining money, and striving for material things is what was important to me. I was out to live the glamorous life! Self-esteem or self-confidence problems were never an issue. It was all about being independent; being in charge of my own destiny. People had to live up to my expectations, and anything else was unacceptable. Being self-centered and focusing on my strengths and accomplishments was what my life was all about.

My physical appearance was what I obsessed about; my hair had to look great, my makeup had to be impeccable, and my nails had to be perfectly manicured and polished at all times. Everything was about Me, Me, and Me. I elevated myself on a pedestal; in my mind, I was better than others. There was so much value put on material things, I was fanatical about buying new clothes; it was nothing to go shopping and drop a couple hundred dollars because I wanted to be seen in a different outfit every time I went out. I had to have nice things. Everything in my life was all about status, prestige, and feeding my huge ego. I was conceited, and appearances meant everything to me.

Do you remember two songs from back in the eighties titled, THE GLAMOROUS LIFE by Sheila E., and MATERIAL GIRL by Madonna? Well, they were my theme songs. If you really listen, the lyrics say it all.

My favorite activity was partying. I thought I was the ultimate party girl, and was a regular at many of the local nightclubs. I loved going out and being seen. I knew I was one of the beautiful people– and made sure everyone else knew it as well. It was all about flirting, and thinking I was the best thing since sliced bread. Dancing was my passion. I was good, but also convinced I was one of the best, (like maybe Paula Abdul and I were in the same league)! As a matter of fact, I was 100% confident I could have been one of The Fly Girls on the TV show “In Living Color”. “After all, I reasoned, “They were pretty like me and I could dance as good as them.” I used to be the girl who would never pay her own way. Cover charges and drinks were always paid for.

I loved getting drunk - really drunk; drinking to the point of losing my coordination, stumbling, and tripping over my own two feet. Now I understand why I got drunk and goofy so fast; it was because the alcohol intensified the Muscular Dystrophy that was dormant in my body at that time. My friends called me a “lightweight,” and said that I couldn’t handle my liquor. We all just laughed and thought nothing of it. It was just a big joke.

Want to hear something crazy? After the clubs and bars were closed, my friends and I usually went out for breakfast. Turns out, the empty lot across the street where we parked and stumbled out of our cars to go to the diner, is now my church parking lot!

I remember being in one of my first apartments and looking around at all the “stuff” I had. I arrogantly said out loud, “Look at all the great things I’ve been able to get by MY OWN POWER.” (Nice furniture, great apartment, beautiful clothes). After all, “I deserve it, I’m worth it, and I’ve worked hard.” The Bible warns us about pride – thinking we are better than others; thinking we are invincible and not able to fall. God hates pride, and won’t hesitate to let the prideful fall, but He loves to lift up the humble. Here are three scriptures that are relevant to this scenario:


“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6)

“Now I Nebuchadnezzar praise and glorify and honor the King of Heaven. All His acts are just and true, and He is able to humble the proud.” (Daniel 4:37)

“You felt secure in your wickedness, ‘No one sees me’, you said. But your wisdom and knowledge have led you astray, and you said, ‘I am the only one and there is no other.” (Isaiah 47: 10 - God predicted the fall of Babylon)


I was a runner. Let me clarify; one consistent thing in my life was that I always ran from bad situations. If I didn’t like something or if it was problematic, I was out of there. This was true of jobs that I was always quitting, running away from bad relationships…etc. You name it, if it was uncomfortable, I ran from it. It didn’t matter where I ran, it always seemed that the same problems followed me; maybe dressed in a different package, but nevertheless, the same problem. It didn’t matter how far I ran (once moving 3000 miles to California), the same thing I was running from greeted me at the front door of my new destination. But my running days would soon be over… I have since learned that running from your problems doesn’t solve anything.

A few years later in my mid to late twenties, things seemed to be going great. I became more smug and self-satisfied. Life was good. I was making good money, living very comfortably, and had collected a lot of “stuff." Still being very snobby and self absorbed, the world was pretty much revolving around me.

In December 1999, a new chapter opened in my life; I got married! By now I was 30, and life was progressing nicely according to my plans and schedule. Our lives seemed so carefree when my husband and I were dating. We both loved to go dancing. We loved doing almost everything together. Being so wrapped up in my self image, I remember telling my husband that no matter what, I was always going to look good and would always take the necessary time to look my best. I told him that he “had better get used” to waiting. I was living a fairy tale, and expected nothing less than to live happily ever after.

***


Then in June 2000, it happened. Crazy things were happening to my body, things like: not being able to keep my balance, loss of coordination, leg heaviness and weakness, shooting pains up and down my spine. I needed to walk with a cane to prevent myself from walking into things. My knees would lock. My leg muscles, (especially the muscles surrounding my knees) were rigid and wouldn’t bend. I walked like Frankenstein.

Can I express to you how humiliated I was? I was mortified! I was so scared! A simple thing like walking was now almost impossible! The world I knew - my world - was falling apart, and there was absolutely nothing I could do! My physical body used to be beautiful, but now it was broken and ugly. Here I was judging on appearances, and now my own appearance was horrible! I was really depressed - really, really depressed. Things absolutely looked hopeless! I wanted to crawl under a rock, and die. I found myself “trapped,” with no way out. I had to quit my job because I couldn’t physically handle it anymore. I had to go on permanent disability. It seemed like any desires and dreams I had for the future – were now dead. Everything was falling apart at the seams. It was a huge pill, and it was very hard to swallow!

The Muscular Dystrophy I have is hereditary. This disease has been dormant in my body up until about ten years ago. I was able to run, skip, dance - do everything considered physically normal. Looking back, there were red flags (clumsiness, dragging of my feet, burning sensations in my legs and back, and weak leg muscles), but I could still function as if nothing were going on with my body. I was pretending, and was in a major stage of denial. When this disease initially manifested itself in 2000, I had no clue as to what was happening to my body; so you can imagine the stress, fear, and hopelessness gripping my heart. This is a progressive disease, and the way it affects people is different. It’s impossible to medically predict what the future holds. Something I didn’t know, and you probably didn’t either; Muscular Dystrophy is a general name for a myriad of neuromuscular disorders. There are many Muscular Dystrophies, (more than two dozen). Currently, there is no medical cure. MD is rare, but millions are affected.

Every step I took was and still is a huge effort. The heaviness in my legs feels as if buckets of cement are on my feet. My balance feels like I am walking on stilts. I was a control freak, and I had no control over what was happening! And being out of control is the worst thing that can happen to a control freak!


***


“But then I will win her back once again, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there…” (Hosea 2:14-15)


After the Exodus out of Egypt, God led the Israelites into the wilderness for forty years, where He taught them obedience and dependence on Him. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I believe that God had planned this transformation for me long ago. The first thing He did, which was not pleasant, was to take me out of my Egypt; my environment, my comfort zone, my perception of the perfect world - a separation from my old life. He took me into the wilderness. I wasn’t kidding before when I told you that my running days would soon be over. There was no way I could run now. I was alone with God, forced entirely to depend on Him, and I learned how to accept help from others. God changes us in the wilderness. He removes things that prevent us from fulfilling our purpose. We can only fulfill our purpose by spending this time of preparation in the desert. This is where our true character is revealed, and we find out what is really in our hearts. He had to erase my way of thinking and replace it with His way of thinking. My spiritual eyes were starting to open. God knows our need for a wilderness experience, and He knows exactly how to produce in us the qualities He desires for us to have. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that God is sovereign and above all things. As our Creator, He knows what will get our attention.


The dust has now settled, and I am able to take a step back and see the fingerprints of God throughout my situation. He revealed Himself to me, has taught me, and is still teaching and preparing me for His purpose. The Bible says…

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.” (Ephesians 2:10)


When a crisis hits, your world is turned upside down; the blinders are on, and you can only see two feet in front of you. An all consuming darkness clouds your view. I will always remember the darkness...the hopelessness...the suicidal thoughts. God rescued me in the nick of time. You may be in that same place now. I want you to know that you do matter. You're life matters. Things can change. There is a better way...


My Memoir is available in Paperback at Amazon.com

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